Hunger for Love
by Yumemakura
Summary: This is a spin off story of "If I Cannot Have You" from Alexander's POV. What was Alexander's reaction after saying the terrible words to Hephaistion?


**Prompt: Hunger  
>Title: Hunger for Love<strong>

Alexander was so mad that he could not think or see things straight. Ever since they crossed the harsh Hindu Kush, the army that he had known for so long was not the same any longer. As the size increased and the soldiers became more diverse, even the simplest thing developed into a complication. As the days away from home counted up more, it became more challenging to keep high morale in the camp.

Seeing constant commotions annoyed him, and hearing repeated complaints and pleading to stop and turn around irritated him. Alexander did not understand why his men were giving up the rest of the world. There was more, always more, never enough. Yet, his men wanted to leave all the glories behind just to go home, even his generals hesitated to support Alexander's idea to go on these days.

Therefore, when he heard two of his highest ranked officers were fighting, and almost killing each other, his patience that was already stretched to the limit had snapped. He did not care to find out the reason why they were fighting, or who had started it, all he cared about was the fact that they had broken the rule; in turn, they contradicted the King.

As soon as the image of Hephaistion raised his unsheathed sword over his shoulder, Alexander's anger exploded. How could his most trusted friend neglect his order? The words came out of his mouth without meaningful thoughts. And, as he did neither notice the impact of his words to Hephaistion nor the cruelty of them at the moment, he merely left the scene after scolding Hephaistion.

When he stormed back into his tent, the first thing Alexander did was to order the page to bring wine and then he sat at the table. He needed to calm himself. The image of shattered Hephaistion played in his mind, and a slight pang of guilt gripped Alexander's heart, but he defended himself.

_I am not wrong. It was all Hephaistion's fault. If he had obeyed my order, and not broken the rule, then this would never have happened. _

Alexander was stunned with his own choice of word.

_Obey? Did I just say obey? Since when do I think that I am superior to Hephaistion? _

When Alexander recognized his arrogance, he realized for the first time the weight of his words; what they really meant to Hephaistion. He could now clearly see the reaction of his friend to his words with the meaning. In his blue pools, he saw the shock, which turned into disbelief, the pain, disappointment, defeat, and then anger.

With realization, a sudden fear took over Alexander's mind; the fear of not being able to restore their friendship, the fear of losing his Hephaistion. He could no longer stay angry in his tent. He rushed out to see Hephaistion, as he needed to beg his friend for forgiveness. The moon still hung low on the west horizon, but Alexander did not care. He could not wait until the morning; he needed to see Hephaistion right at the moment. He felt that the longer he waited, the further Hephaistion would go apart from him.

Alexander almost ran through Hephaistion's tent, yet he halted in front of the inner flap when he heard the voice. He recognized the owner of the voice; it was Craterus. Although the first reaction of Alexander was to stomp into the room and drag Craterus out, he froze instead when he heard the content of their conversation.

Craterus was telling Hephaistion about that terrible incident between his father and Hephaistion. When he realized that Hephaistion was made to know that Alexander had known all along what his father did to Hephaistion, his mind went blank. Now what he said to Hephaistion carried even deeper meanings.

It was bad enough that he said those terrible words without realizing what Hephaistion knew. But now Alexander knew that he had made a fatal mistake. He had not only treated Hephaistion unfairly, but also insulted him. It was not Hephaistion who had betrayed him for not obeying to his order, but it was he who had betrayed Hephaistion for his trust.

Alexander's body trembled so violently with fear that he could hardly stand. Hephaistion's urgent cry and the dull sounds of something falling hard on the cot brought Alexander back to reality. When he saw Craterus' large body covering Hephaistion's who was pushed down onto the cot, Alexander jerked Craterus with force pouring all his frustration, regret, and anger into one motion.

"Leave!"

Alexander shouted to Craterus who sat on the floor dumbfounded still not understanding what had just happened to him. Not caring for Craterus any longer, Alexander turned his attention to unmoving Hephaistion who lay on the cot hiding his face with his arm.

"I'm sorry Hephaistion, I did not know… I did not mean …"

"Alexander, you'd better leave, too."

Hephaistion's calm voice shattered the hope of Alexander. He wished Hephaistion to scream at him, accuse him, get violent with him, or even try to kill him. Yet, his friend lay there without neither looking at him, nor showing any emotions, but with icy cold thick walls around him.

"Hephaistion, please. Please listen to me."

With Alexander's plea, Hephaistion slowly rose from the cot and knelt in front of Alexander bowing his head low.

"No! Hephaistion!"

Alexander screamed in terror, and tried to pull his friend up, but as if an unseen power had cocooned Hephaistion's body, and shielded it completely from him, he could not bring his arms around Hephaistion. He carried himself in such a way that it was Hephaistion who was a god to be worshiped even though he was the one who was kneeling before him.

Totally defeated, Alexander turned around, and left Hephaistion's tent. Alexander had never felt so scared and useless in his life. The morning sun blinded him. He could not see his way any more. He no longer had hunger for glory, nor passion for the new empire. Nothing mattered. Pothos, Eros, and Himeros, all three of them seemed to have left him.

On the next morning, Alexander announced his army that they were going home, to their new home in Babylon. Hearing the roars of cheers, Alexander's mind was empty and dry. His entourage was almost three times larger now compared with the size he had started out with almost ten years ago, but he was alone. Everything sounded unreal without Hephaistion by his side.

A slow and painful march along the Indus River had started for Alexander. It had been three days since they left the cursed camp, but Hephaistion had not spoken to Alexander yet. He only replied to the king's questions with the minimum necessary words whenever Alexander tried to speak with him. Ptolemy and Perdiccas felt sorry for Alexander, and tried to talk Hephaistion into a reconciliation, but they had given up by now. It was not the first time that they were shown how stubborn Hephaistion could be.

**oooOooo**

Lying on the small cot surrounded by stagnant air, Alexander felt that he would be suffocated if he stayed inside even one more moment. He quickly dressed in his chiton, and got out. The guards started to follow him, but Alexander stopped them. He needed to be alone. He wandered around the camp without a clear destination in his mind, but his steps drew him to the sounds of water.

Soon, Alexander found himself standing at the riverbank. The water that ran through the gorge shone silver reflecting the cool moonlight. Different sizes and shapes of smooth rocks broke the stream. The sight brought Alexander back to good old days in Edessa where he and Hephaistion spent many summer afternoons together when they were still boys.

Alexander wished that he could go back to those days; the days that were filled with light of hope, and love of Hephaistion. Alexander gasped, as if a god had granted his wish, the image of Hephaistion lying on one of the rocks appeared in front of him. Hephaistion lay there showing the backside to Alexander with full nudity while his head that was rested on his arms faced to Alexander.

The long eyelashes of Hephaistion's closed eyes cast soft shadows over his high cheekbones. His still wet hair was pulled back behind, exposing the smooth white skin of his nape. A strand of a lock fell onto his full lips from behind an ear. His whole body glowed with silver light giving Alexander the impression of seeing a dream.

Alexander's heartbeat sped up. The gentle curve of Hephaistion's spine met with the valley of two round mounds where his powerful thighs connected. One of his knees was bent to define the shape of narrow hips, and the crossed over legs made fully exposed the bottom of his beautifully shaped foot.

The sight was so enticing and sensual that it directly hit Alexander's groin. Alexander almost stepped forward, yet, he contained himself using all of his will power. It was not time to listen to his hunger of lust, but was the time to regain Hephaistion's trust and respect. When he turned himself around with great effort, Alexander knew that he became capable again. He could do anything, and would do anything to gain Hephaistion's love back. Hephaistion made him stronger once more.

Hearing a slight noise of the pebbles and the sands crash each other, a corner of Hephaistion's lips curled up. For the first time after hearing Alexander's frightening words, Hephaistion relaxed a little. There still was a hope with his Alexander.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Pothos represents 'longing' in Greek myth; the passion for beauty, the thirst for knowledge, and the longing for everything that is good and real; to live in a higher reality. **


End file.
